I'll admit, I'm a little lost. Just trying to find my way.

Lately I’ve been running along the same path that I use to conquer on a day to day basis over 10 years ago. The same path that I won blue ribbons and set new time records on. The same path that I ran with a clear mind and an infant like conscious; oblivious to the world around me because of my shape-less mind that had yet to be molded by the cares and reality of the world. These days I run with a different mind, with different thoughts, and a very different body yet all in one still the same.

Upon the first couple of runs I realized that things had changed dramatically. My wheezing scarred lungs from pneumonia years passed – one of the two top reasons why I stopped running; my aging nearsighted eyes, the womanly lumps and bumps that replace the once young toned tomboy body; and my mind that now over thinks, over analyzes every step and every breath and doesn’t believe in myself like it once did years ago.

Now knowing what I know now, 10 years ago while I was running this same path my brother was losing his religion. With every step that I took Intellect was conquering his faith but I didn’t know. Who knew that one of the same girls that ran with me would be killed prematurely in a car accident at the age of 20 and a young boy would hang himself in his garage only 2 years later for his parents to find? Who knew that within the next year I would battle for my life only to lose it face down in the toilet every night for 4 months? Who knew all the circumstances and obstacles the upcoming years would bring my way? Your way? We don’t nor will we ever. Look back. Who’ve you become?

Strange whimsical dreams

I was sharing with someone a strange dream I had the other night & now I care to share it with you.

Last night I dreamed that a cat swallowed another cat & it was still alive living inside of it. Somewhat like Jonah & the whale. I tried talking to the cannibal cat into spitting out the other. Sure enough he said he would but he kept putting me off day after day.

Finally a week went by & I started worrying that the consumed cat had died since it hadn't eaten in a week's time. Finally one day the consuming cat said that the day had come & it was time to spit out the swallowed cat, but first it needed a cigarette before beginning this strange yet painful process. ( Somehow, in this dream, as all dreams, I had some past knowledge that this cat was a smoker and had been trying to quit for a month's time.) In reply to that request I told the nicotine driven cat that I would bake it cookies instead if only he could grant me my request.

Well, the cookies were baked & after presenting the fresh batch of cookies & the inhalation of them from the cat swallowing cat, I noticed that the enormous lump in it's belly, that was due to the swallowed cat, was no longer there. I asked the cookie eating cat & it was then that he told me during the night while he was sleeping, the swallowed cat walked out of his body and entered the world. I felt jipped.

Strange. I know.

"There is something inherently selfish about not allowing the love that you are capable of see the light of day for fear it will someday cause you pain.

Of course it will cause you pain.

It's the risk of pain that creates the love in the first place. I think I had come to want the love without the risk, but that was an illusion. There isn't such a thing."

-Donald Miller

I've always lived with the mentality of Not asking anyone for anything if I'm capable and am able to do so myself, yet apparently some others don't think nor live like that. At all.

More from Photoshoot

Shannon Blackwell Photography

Today I received my new debit card in the mail & upon doing so
I began to wonder how much damage this new piece of plastic will
do in years to come. And from that thought I began to think about
what and where would I spend an endless amount of money.

Here is a short off the top of my head list of places & things that I could spend ungodly amounts of money at/on:
- Barnes & Noble
- art supplies
- Michael's
- tea cups
- coffee mugs
- Sephora
- philosophy's line
- sun dresses
- Victoria's Secret
- facial masques, scrubs, peels, moisturizers, detoxifiers, pore minimizers - all that skin care junk
- Redken hair products
- cute strappy sandals & shoes that I'll wear all of 2 times & then end up giving to Goodwill next summer
- Anthropologie
- Urban Outfitters
- hand bags
& that's all I can think of
For now. :)

And this is all I have to say..

John Calvin, you grieve me.

The theological point of view of Calvinism was recently discussed in conversation and once again brought to my attention, and before I state my opinions that are stemmed from biblical scriptures, let me give a recap of what Calvinism stands for.

1. They state that man's nature is completely sinful
2. God chooses whom to save
3. Jesus died only for those he would save
4. God's grace can't be turned down and salvation cannot be lost.

First & foremost I don't know how anyone can believe that God died for a chosen few when John 3:16 clearly states, "For God so loved THE WORLD that he gave his only begotten son that WHO SO EVER believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." Where in that scripture does it state that God only died for a chosen few? It's awful that some believe that they are "God's Elite" and that he chose them among others. Must we be reminded that Pride is the exact reasoning for Lucifer's downfall? God chose EVERYONE. It's our choice if we choose HIM. It really grieves me to know that there are non believers who come into churches and are excited and want to know and learn more about Christianity, yet when they are presented with this Calvinism principle they have to feel hurt and rejected, thinking that God doesn't love them or want them and didn't choose them. Who would want to serve a God like that? A rejecting clicky God? It also states, "Choose ye this day whom you will serve." Therefore, yes, you can turn your back on God. I am not one to say that you can lose your salvation because the true character of a man's heart and motives of a man is only known by God himself, so we have no right to judge and say who is a Christian and who is not because we do not know.

It has been brought to my attention once again, how interesting theology really is. C.S. Lewis, I still fully intend on completing all of your pieces this year & this debated topic has sparked my interest which is direly needed and necessary in order to complete such an accomplishment.

By grace through faith alone, not by works or by obedience is salvation affirmed.
- Charles Grandison Finney

Works are the evidence of faith. The presence of unrepentant sin is the evidence that a person does not have saving faith.

- Charles Grandison Finney

Shannon Blackwell Photography

"Surround yourself with people who celebrate you,not tolerate you."

-- Michaela Adele Mitchell

aka: my very first best friend.

The Lock & Dam with my Love.

You can never truly know light until you know & contrast it against the dark.
And you can never know what's right until you've been with the wrong.

Land of waterfalls

All of the shots you can find on my myspace album titled "Summer 2009"